Author Jewell Powell will visit Sol Searching tomorrow during her blog tour. She has granted my listeners the opportunity to read excerpts from her book, Marriage 101: Building a life together by Faith. Over the next couple of days, I will share excerpts from her book with you. Please visit her website: www.marriage101.us, to learn more about her book and/or to order the book.
Pursue the One You Love
Most couples reminisce about how the person they ultimately married actively pursued them for their time, attention, or love when they were dating. The pursuit to gain the affection of another person is known as courting. This active pursuit should not end just because you are now married. Women have been most noted to complain about their spouse’s lack of time and attention once they were married. All of the special things he once did (romantic dates, flowers, candy, thoughtful cards and gifts) have disappeared into the sea of forgetfulness.
Now, your husband sexually approaches you without even stroking your hair or kissing your neck. If this becomes the norm and you are frustrated by it, be sure to lovingly let your hubby know that you would like to include more romance into your sex life instead of just diving right into the act!
Remind him of all of the wonderful things that he did to get your attention and how this really made you fall in love with him. Married couples should continue to court one another and offer tokens of love and appreciation. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Even little signs of gratitude and courtship can go a long way in having a great marriage. Ladies, this cuts both ways. Be prepared to be reminded of some things that you may have done or let slip during your time of dating or early in your marriage when things were fresh, new and exciting. Both men and women need to remember how hard they once worked to impress each other. Why not do it now?
Another point that many couples will remember is that while courting and dating, it was difficult for them to keep their hands off one another and resist the sexual attraction they felt toward each other. Although the Scriptures clearly tell us that it is God’s desire that we abstain from sex until marriage, sex inside of marriage is His perfect plan for couples. Sex outside of marriage is fornication. Fornication is a sin against God. It is just like the enemy to entice and put pressure on couples to have sex before marriage. Then once they are married, couples may not find sex pleasurable anymore or they become disinterested. It is also a tactic of the enemy to make sexual intimacy that is sanctioned and blessed by God into something that couples want to avoid. Couples must be vigilant to submit themselves to God (His will) and resist the devil in every area of their lives, including their sexual relationship with their spouse, and he will flee (James 4:7). It is the will of God and His desire for married couples to have sex.
Most couples listened carefully to one another when they were dating. Once married, it may be more difficult to find interest in some of the same stories your spouse shares. However, it is important to put the time and energy into listening to them talk about work, concerns about friends, and their outside interests. No matter how boring this may seem to you now, and how you may tire of hearing them rambling on about things that don’t interest you, this is an important part of making them feel important.
Think back. Remember how glad you were to be allowed into their inner-most thoughts, emotions, and dreams when you first started dating. Well, you got what you were looking for! Now, you are their friend and lover forever! Intently listen to what your spouse has to say and share your feelings and thoughts with them, as well. This verbal intimacy between couples is the preliminary step toward physical intimacy.
The courting process is very different for each couple. If your husband loves a good evening meal, you can court him with his favorite dinner. If your wife loves flowers, buy her flowers for no reason. There are countless ways to “court” each other. Wear the perfume that makes his toes curl. Bring her a small box of her favorite chocolates. Men, washing the dishes for your wife after she has an exhausting day at work or at home with the kids could be the sexiest thing you’ve done in weeks because it demonstrates your care and concern to meet her needs. All of these examples are simple ways of communicating that your spouse is still the most important person to you and that you don’t take them for granted.
If you have realized that you have become lazy in your pursuit of the one you love, pick up the wonderful little things that you use to do for them to communicate your love and affection. If you have forgotten, ask them! By expressing your love and appreciation through small tokens, you set the stage for intimacy and open the door for lovemaking.
© Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and Author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. This is an excerpt from the Marriage 101 mini series, Sex & Intimacy. For more information, visit www.marriage101.us